The Weather Channel says we’ve got a major hurricane hitting tonight. I believe them, I’m just not buying into belief that I personally have anything to worry about. I think we’re going to be ok. Could this kind of weather really be so much worse than anything we’ve seen before? I can accept the weather. I can accept it as mood. Changes in weather once played a part in a much needed lesson for me.
Concepts of weather and mood were coming to the forefront when I first made the big move from Phoenix to Boston after I graduated from ASU in 1994. Growing up in Phoenix, I wasn’t accustomed to seeing much variety in the weather. It would get to the point each year when it went from hot to hotter and so on. Rain in Phoenix was kind of a big deal, not only because it was wet, but because it was something of a rarity for any day to day variations to factor in. In Phoenix, the weather was rarely a consideration, and in New England it always is. Locals here would say to me with a laugh, “If you don’t like the weather in New England, wait a few minutes!”
I arrived in Massachusetts in September of 1994 in my old Toyota. The season was turning to fall and I soon learned that I had not much use for my summer clothes already. The weather was a constant factor in approaching the beginning of a day, because anything could happen. One day could be very different than the next in every way and all the possibilities for change within. I wasn’t used to that.
I took all of it in over the next few months, watching the weather through my window, driving around and watching the leaves fall from the trees, or taking the train into Boston through the wind and rain. The weather was always creating some kind of scenery and although hidden parts of me missed the constant sunlight, I was intrigued. What beauty!- but it was more than that, depression was creeping up on me and it was more than homesickness.
One mid-October day, I was winding down a tree-lined road up on the North Shore with the colorful leaves falling all around. It was like a scene from a movie, and I felt I had an epiphany. I’ll never forget it because I built inspiration and concepts from
these thoughts for years. There was an emotional connection in art and movies that people generally understood and drew from that I had been missing from lack of experience. A connection that I recognized- I got it, but I never felt it.
Which Woody Allen movie were these falling leaves reminding me of, setting a depressing tone? It didn’t matter which one really, movies and books would often set a tone through weather. As a Phoenician I lacked the context to relate! Here I was
settling into my new home in denial of my depression- likely caused by lack of sunlight and short days and, boy oh boy could I ever relate now. I was too stubborn to turn around and go back to Phoenix- I was going to tuff it out. I had made myself a promise that I would stay at least 6 months before I even considered surrender.
Fall turned to winter, then soon I was waiting for winter to end, I was aware of having given it my six months. I’d come this far, why stop now- in truth, I’m sure, I was too depressed to even consider turning around and moving anywhere to change my life.
In March, I learned that in New England, winter isn’t over in March and when the scenery isn’t white, it’s gray. It wasn’t all bad. I loved the snow- I still do. I loved my apartment in Salem. I was forming new relationships and the truth was, I didn’t know that parts of my being missed the sun. If anything, I was enjoying a break from it. However, the soggy gray days of winter were becoming harder to accept as the long end of winter continued. Besides feeling homesick for my old boyfriend, my old friends and my family in Phoenix, the result of all these weather considerations was stifling! Good conditions some days, and others bad. -That I could accept. Some days happy, others sad- harder to accept. Still I was bogged down with these short-term judgments. In effect, I was clouding my ability to see the richness of possibilities in my future.
If I could accept the ever-changing weather, couldn’t I simply accept my own moods and feelings like the weather? Couldn’t I just look at the day and accept what was being presented inside and out and prepare and go on with it? If I could enjoy a stormy snowy day, how about accepting one on the inside? How about letting choice to accept be a major factor? I didn’t have to add to any of it by labeling any of it as unacceptable! In other words, on top of feeling sad, I didn’t have to feel bad about feeling that way!
In retrospect, I was too young to simply choose to have a good attitude everyday. I had to get to that point in stages. Letting attitude take the lead wouldn’t become my goal until years later, but it was powerful to me to let acceptance be a factor all those years ago. I still look back on my time in Salem in my late 20’s and early 30’s as the end of my adolescence. Some really great things happened through my struggles there.
Hurricane or tropical storm? Who knows what the weather has in store for us this weekend? Power outages? At least I know how to translate a power outage to my mood. That sounds pretty good actually. I think I’m due for one. Only please, on the inside, not so much on the outside.
